DAY 10: Being Forced With Males (My Anger)

DAY 10: Being Forced With Males (My Anger)

I am a woman that has never liked men on an intimate level for partner. I prefer woman. That is my self-honesty and my partner will be a female one day among-st everything else that I look for in a woman. Some years ago I did something spontaneous. I asked a Person M who I cared for back then to be my partner on an assignment. I knew she was an admin so I was being spontaneous and she was really someone I wanted to be with as partner. Now, instead of answering me she ignored me. She did not reply to me and then the interviews advantage of that situation. As well as the people who were suppose to be assisting and supporting me. Whom I later found out were not. They used this situaiton to degrade me, abuse me, blackmail me, manipulate me, inferiorize me, turn me against myself by using the care that I had for that woman, they lied to me, they denied me any assistance and support with the point. Even when I said that the interviews were talking about situation. I kept going to Person A for assitance and support. I was in a mental breakdown around it. The interviews were manipulating me and talking the situation -- making me think I have the opportunity but keeping me in a situation of not knowing so that they could create contradiction. Person A would treat me like shit and the interviews would make me think that I do have an opportunity when person A would tell me that I don't that ''I'm obsessed''. When I was not. I was trying to always get free of this situation but they would not let me. Person A Refused to assist and support me and this was getting worse and worse. She was calling obsession when if these people just told me if I did or not have a partnership with this person everything would be fine. But they wanted to keep me in this entrapment so that they could have turn against myself. Then use this to manipulate me, degrade me, inferiorize me, control me, blackmail me, Person A told me I can't tell anyone what she's doing or go to anyone, she lied to me, I tried to tell her I like woman, she told me to quick playing games, she would continue to use the care that I had for the woman to say that I was obsessed so that they could keep on hurting me and manipulating me. I was suicidal they used that to take me out of the courses. My psychologist was in tears at how they manipulated me to turn against myself. She tried to help me. Then Person A used the manipulation she had over me to turn me against my psychologist by saying ''We don't think the psychologist is going to be benficial for you''. Because I was heavily manipulated by Person A and she was the one that I could only go to to get my courses I believed her. She was using my courses as a way to also manipulate me. Every time i would ask for then she would tell me that I was being manipulative when I was not. I was simply trying to tell her that I'd like to walk my courses to assist and support myself. Person S (The portal) Knew about what was going on. She also kept defining my care for the woman as obsession. Turning me against myself again and using that to hurt me, to harm me, and continue with the controlling of my life, the manipulation, and keep on making me think that there's something wrong with me when there was not. They kept on doing this until I had eventually a breakdown and continued to brutilize myself as I had no assistance and support then the interviews continued to try manipulate me with men as well as Person A and Person S. They continued to put my life at risk to try and manipulate me for males. They put me with someone who was also against me and calling me obsessed when I wasn't. The interviews kept on using this idea of not letting me know if I did or didn't -- so that they could continue to create a contradiction -- To which when I would ask for assistance and support out of it Person A and Person S would start conflict with me and try to get stern then impose their abuse onto me. Which continued for me to bruteally abuse myself and manipulate myself to turn against myself.. Then they tried to force with me. I tried my best to ask for a new buddy. I was forced back with the buddies who were abusing me. A convenient little thing happened where a male that I used to talk to at the time was also starting to talk to me again as well as getting the courses at the same time I was. To which those people were trying to groom me for him. Days after I was told that my psychologist isn't beneficial for me and being being against myself and these people using my courses to blackmail me --- and me being suicidal, not able to talk to anyone, having been abused, confused, unhappy, blamed, and in mental breakdown with no assistance and support --- And the interviews as well as these other individuals trying to force me with a this boy, I ended up saying id go live with him. Under all that abuse that's what happened. NOw, that Person A thought that was awesome. She supported me to do that. Now, I never wanted to be with male as a partner. This was abused -- I was shattered to such the extent through manipulation and abuse that my whole life and mind was put at risk for these people to force me with a male whom I never wanted to be with.

In this time of them doing that to me. I lost my opportunity for university, I lost my family relationships because of the interviews doing what they did to me and said to me, I lost the trust that i had with myself, My self acceptance, I almost died, I almost killed myself, I lost everything because of the extreme abuse from these psychopaths. I ended up homeless in Melbourne city. The person they wanted me to force myself with was jobless, no aspirations that I could I see, wanted children, and no real desire to go university, and no psychology degree for my mind in what I went through. This is what they abused me for. To live a miserable life with someone I don't want to be with and never wanted to be with as a partner -- I was never interested in men for intimate partnership. They sent me off to this boy with impacts done to my mind. His life was impacted on because of these people turning me against myself, turning me against my psychologist, hurting me, and I had to walk through more trauma, pain, suffering, loss of relationships, opportunities, self-worth, self-respect, and even the boy refusing to be my friend anymore because I didn't want him for a partner. Because I didn't want to be with someone I was abused for, and also I did not want to be with a man. Never did. This is what these people were percieving as ''Happiness''. Then because I didn't live a miserable life one that I didn't want --- They made my life worse through taking away my courses, and covering up everything they did to me. To get away with it all. 8 Years on these people still do not own up to crimes they committed against my life and process. They still deny me the right to walk my courses, and share myself on forums. They still deny me the right to heal from these situations and punish me for their own doing. These people need to stop what they're doing and stop trying to blame me for their crimes. Their issues/problems. Because I am not to blame for the abuse and the psychopathic issues/problems that these people have.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel angered by the years of abuse imposed onto me for the likes men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I will not be with a male in this life time even if these people sitll want to accusee me or impose their abuse onto me.

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I will not live a life of misery for the sake of those people getting away with the crimes they committed.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that those individuals will not get away with their crimes

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I was completely manipulated and abused when I said that I'd live with that boy they were trying to force em with and thefore does not in anyway stand nor did I ever say that I'd be his partner and if I did it was not to him nad it was said of a mental breakdown which has no stand or meaning to it as it is not me and was a result of the abuse that was imposed onto me from these individuals who had psychopathic issues/problems.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that I am not blame for any of those situations happens as I wan fully unaware, in mental breakdown, being manipulated by the interviews, and the buddies that were supposed to be assisting and supporting me around that time.

I forrgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that those people were aware of the damages they were creating as I would constantly go to then to tell them what is going on and show them what was happening within me and they would deny me assistance and support but continue to manipulate me, lie to me, degrade me, inferiorize me, and continue to confuse me, and call obsessed when I was not.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that I am not to blame for any of this as I went to a psychologist to get assistance and support, I was manipuled and lied to by PErson A who was continusouly grooming me for males, and therefore she is responsible for the continuance of the abuse, and also the boy getting hurt..

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/undrestand ti I am not responsible for that boy getting hurt when he set himself up and so did those people just like they set me up.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for that person getting hurt because of what those people did to me and him getting involved as a result of what they were doing to me.

I forgive myself that I havnen't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I am not responsible for any of crimes these people have committed.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that even know these pople have done all that I still not have to force myself with men even if they make it a requirement as no oine has to force themselves with anyone just to asssit and support themselves with courses.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that there are other people who happen to like the same-sex intimately in Desteni and they walk the courses and I shouldn't be treated any other way.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that Person A and S are responsible as well the interview for the damages they created for my family, my life, and that boy's life.

I forgive myself that I havnen't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that i was never obsessed with Person M they just used that as a way to fuck with my mind and turn me against myself so that they could try make me live a miserable life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I do need a male in my life to assist ance support myself with the courses.

I forgive myself thta I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that i do not need partner to assist and support myself with the courses.

I forgive myslef that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that these people cannot force me with men and if they try it will not work as I will ensure that they plans fail as I will not have myself be raped by males or be with people I am abused for .

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that there are no excuses for what these people did ot me --- it was an absolute crime for these fully aware individuals to impose their psychopathic hatred, abuse, and whatever else existed within them onto me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I went to these people to assist and support me and they refused but continued to abuse therefore they're responsible for all the damage that they created for me in my life yet I will pick up the damages and do not need those 5 individuals in my life as I do not want any more damage to be done and nothing they say within a personal direct conversation will ever be listened to as they lost the opporunity to ever be trustred at the slightest due to their actions, behaviours and willingness to commit crimes against me.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself ot not see/realise/understand that what i wanted for my life was never to be with a male ot to lose any of my opportunities but to simply assist and support myself through going to university, walking my course and have a decision of who I go with as my partner -- not anything related to being abused for men.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that none of the crimes comitted ever assisted/supported me, those 5 individuals who have psychopathic issues/problems to committ the crimes, nor did they assist or support Desteni.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that these people kept doing this within full aware and I was not aware as they would continue to commit crimes to cover up what they had done so that no one else frinds out.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the crimes committed by these 5 individuals were not of benefit to desteni, to my process, to life in general.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I will not give up on myself, what I want for me, and how I want to live within my life no matter how long these people take away my courses, delete my accounts or try to frame me for the things they have done and force me with men (if they're still trying/attempting to do that)

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to  not seer/ealise/underststand that all their crimes they committed was a big waste of time and did not help anyone.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand the crimes they continue to committ against me and my process as they do not allow me to walk my courses with a buddy of my choice do not help anyone or change anything

I forgive myself that i haven't accepte dand allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the pressure they continue to push onto me through committing their crimes will not make me give in or give on what I want for myself and who I want as partner

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed msyelf to not see/realise/understand that I will not change my sexuality to please the people that have committed crimes

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that no matter how many times these people hurt me through committing their crimes I will not change that part of myself and I will not give up on me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the only result and option of these situations are for these 5 individuals to own up their responsibility of the crimes they committed, to face their consequences, and to give me back my courses with a buddy of my choice so that I can have a real new beginning with someone who will not impose their psycopathic issues/problems onto me and use their assistive and supportive positions to abuse me for men.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that all the abuse these people have continued to impose onto me has not helped anyone and they need to face that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that these people have no control over who I go with as my partner and will not ever decide that as I will be with a female in my life as that is a part of me and something I accept even despite these people trying to come between with absolute disregard for my life.

I forgive myself that i hve accepted and allowed msyelf to have believed that it was wrong to care for that woman when there is nothing wrong with caring for someone it was just the fact that these people labeled it as ''obsession'' when it was not.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that i am not to blame for their ineffectiv assistance and support.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that those individuals are not going to make crumble under pressure ever. As I am not interested in men for intimate partner and this war that they started to control who I go will not continue as they lost before they even started.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate myself and the strength I have to stand up to these 5 individuals that had psychopathic issues/problems that were imposed onto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am wrong to ensure that I have a control over who I go with my partner when that is a right that I have just living my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am in debt to that boy they tried to force me with when I am in debt to no one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for the boy that has to find out that I was abused for him and feel sorry for him because now I have to speak about these things in public so that these people (5 individuals) can face their consequences.

I forgive myself that I havne't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that these people had plenty of opportunities to stop what they were doing so that it doesn't get to this point and they refused to so they have to face their consequences

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I am helping that boy see the truth and those people who committed the crimes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have apologised to that boy who I was forced with in the time that I was being blamed by those individuals when It was not my fault -- I was just heavily manipulated to believe it was and therefore I am not sorry to that boy as it had nothing to do with me, and I tried to stop these people but was heavily manipulated.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that that boy chose to not be my friend and to break it off therefore we no longer communicate and that isn't my fault it is his choice.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I not have any forgiveness to give to the people who committed crimes against and therefore they need to respect what I would like for myself so that I can heal and maybe oneday I will have the forgiveness enough to bring them back into my life.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the only way through healing is to speak about what happened so that it is out in the open and everyone can be clear with what crimes have committed and responsibility can be taken then these situations moved into a solution where I get my courses and buddy of my choice as well as share myself on the forums which is something I have always enjoyed.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have formed a continuance behavioural pattern where I argue with my memories, thoughts, and feelings as a result of being isolated in the problem when Person A told me that I couldn't go speak about this with anyone else then isolated as a result which had caused me to start arguing internally, then behaviourally, then emotionally.

I forgive myself that I hvae accepted adn allowed msyelf to experience the contuinance trauma from the crimes committed against me by these 5 individuals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be able to continue in my life if I keep on allowing myself to argue with memories, thoughts, and emotions that come up in my daily life around the situation and the continued crimes that are committed against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to argue with my mind, thoughts, and emotions about these situations to the extent where I cannot focus on anything else.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel very angry that I have to continue to walk my process in way where I"m having to use different accounts when this is what they have reduced me to because they will not take responsibility of their crimes and face their consequences when I have to do what I have to do until they take responsibility and face their consequence.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that these people have nothing to use against me because everything they had caused is a result of their own actions, behaviours, and abuse they committed that lead to me behaving the ways that I did and the impacts on my mind --- they were more aware -- I was not and thefore they responsible for the crimes committed.

I forgive mysefl that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that these people did not live to their principles regardless of what they believe in.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that no matter how well-off, smart, or this or that a male may be, I still will not go with them.

I forgive msyefl that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that these individuals can try all sorts of things to try force me with men as intimate partner but it will immediately fail.

When and as I see myself arguing with my emotions, memories, and imaginations around this situation on a daily basis - I stop and I breathe - I realise that gong back through these situations can be done a time when I decide to write so that I am not letting it steal my whole enitre day.

When and as I see myself aruging with my emotions, memories, and imaginations on a daily basis about these situaitons - I stop and I breathe - I realise that I have a system in place that I am using to create a solution for these people not taking responsibility and it is this that I can use as a way to help me further in my process and to find a point of healing.