DAY 8: Insecurities and Anxiety in Public Places

DAY 8: Insecurities and Anxiety in Public Places

I go out on a regular basis to shopping centers in the city. In the public areas there are lots of people. It is in these environments that I have insecurities and anxiety come up about how I look/appear. A fear that comes up is about people knowing that I am interested in same-sex for intimate partnership through what I wear/how I dress. I do not have any starting points that are geared to dress depending on sexuality. I wear clothes that I like and it is here were I start defining what I wear as ''Gay''. My usually dress is a t-shirt and jeans. The T-shirt could be a long-sleeved or short. My clothing is designed for a female and so I do not in anyway dress for sexuality. However, I am constantly fearful of attacks, bullying, harassment and people knowing that I am interested in woman for intimate partnership. In the past I was attacked by people who were supposed to be of assistance and support to me. Instead they made attempts to attack me because I was interested in females for intimate partnership and they did not like this. They took it upon themselves thinking/believing ''We are assisting and supporting you''. These people had caused a great amount of damage to my life on a psychological level, a physical level, a financial level and a relationship level. There is a ton of damage that I have to pick up after those people willingly, knowingly, awarely psychologically abused me for males --- and became very self-interested in their own happiness. They did this without my awareness, my knowing, my understanding of it and so it was all forced.  

So having had that experience I am fearful of people attacking me for my choice and acceptance of that part of me again. This causes the anxiety, the insecurities, the fear and a not so comfortable experience in public places.  

I do not let the insecurities or anxiety stop me from going out. I have full acceptance of that part of me despite people in the outside world not having an acceptance about it within themselves. I've come to realise that people cannot control who I decide to have as my own partner in this life time nor can their opinions, issues and problems about it change my decision to be with a female who likes woman as much as I do in this life time. I have come to realise If no one accepts me and I'm the only want who does then that is all that matters. What I have to be aware of is my own thoughts, actions, words and deeds so that even if I do get attacked again I can ensure that it does not deter me, or make me question myself when that isn't necessary as the problems exist within those people trying to control who someone else goes with. So long as two people are aware and understanding as well as following laws of the system and want to be together then it is perfect acceptable to be with one another to do so and has nothing to do with anyone else's opinion.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk in the shopping centers constantly worried about being mocked, bullied, physically beaten up, or ridiculed for being interested in woman for intimate partnership. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that who I go with as my partner is my choice along with another females in this life time and has no involvement of a decision from other people if we both agree to be with one another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let what those 5 individuals did in their attacks against my choice/decision to have a female for intimate partnership control how I feel in public places 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that no matter what opinions or beliefs people have about same-sex partnership I just have to take responsibility for any emotions that come up to someone speaking their opinions and beliefs then make sure that it does not make me not accept that part of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep questioning my choice of who I will have as my partner because of the attacks against me by 5 individuals who have issues and problems with same-sex partnership.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that not following what those people wanted/desired in their own self interest was a very good move/decision because these people do not control who I go with as a partner in this life time or the next --- It is solely up to me who I have as my partner and it won't be influenced by those 5 individuals.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being physically beaten by people in a public area 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being made fun of because I like woman for intimate partnership.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am being dishonest with me by not going with males just because someone else had an experience where someone told them that they have to disregard themselves and go with the opposite sex.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am wrong because I choose to have a woman for a partner instead of a male.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel wrong because of the attacks against those 5 individuals and them not having any remorse for what they did in anyway whatsoever.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever consider changing to suit those 5 individuals. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever want/desire to make other people happy when it comes to choice of partnership when it is about my happiness as this is my life and I have to share the rest of my life with someone I am happy to be with.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to change my choice/decision to be with a woman for intimate partnership because of the attacks that I received from these 5 individuals who tried/attempted to brutualize for the likes males.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the attacks against me were unjust, they did not assist or support anyone, they were abusive and were never going to be of assistance or support for anyone in this life time as they knew very well that I was not interested in males in that way and so took it upon themselves to enforce it but did not succeed as it is not my self-honesty, it is not my choice, it is their idea of happiness and that idea was deception because it was not best for all.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that it is perfectly ok to express oneself how one chooses within what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about my short hair and being label as a 'male or boy' or transgendered  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I am by no means transgendered as I understand that my body is female, I am a woman and there is no want within me to harm my body to make it seem like a males.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I do not need to change my body to suit my choice of partnership.  

When and as I see myself feeling insecure with anxiety coming up – I stop and I breathe – I realise that what I have control over in a public space is my own words, thoughts and deeds --- If anyone were to make a comment, opinion, etc then I can choose in a moment what I decide to do and make one that is best for all.