Some weeks ago I had the idea to move out of my unit to live in a share house. The motivator for this was to save money. I made the phone calls to share house that seemed suitable, I told my family that I was moving, I started packing and doing a move-out clean of the place. Throughout that time I did experience some doubt about moving along with some other reactions to uprooting my stability.
It has taken me a long time to gain the type of stability that I wanted. My history since my early twenties has involved instability. I have been unstable mentally due to some extreme abuse done by people, I was classed as homeless for four times, I lived in my car once and because of constant bullying I continued to be unstable. I did in all of those times stand up/never gave up on myself or going after the type of life I'd like to have. I was even picking myself up from the extreme abuse while being bullied. I had all the odds against me, but even at my worse --- I still got up, I still continued to change my relationship to the system, and when I was at my worst --- I never ceased to find solutions for the problems I faced. After living in my car and having to let go of my business – I had to make a new direction and I was able to get my own place because of that choice. I am grateful that I made that choice. So I gained long-term accommodation and I started to rebuild my life.
Right now I live a comfortable life while I work on changing points about me. I have all the basics thanks to my current consistent income. I am able to focus on what I want to do in my life, I am able to grow/learn/expand me as a person, I am able to do things I enjoy, and create a routine for how I'd like to live day-by-day. The idea of moving out was not a best for all one.
When I had the idea I did not look at the pros and cons. The main motivator was the idea of saving up lots of money and putting towards something I really want to create. Thankfully, as time went on, I was forced to look at both the pros and cons. The cons outweighed the pros. The time it would take to move, the stress it would put on me having to deal with new people, a new environment, having to get settled, the money lost in moving, not having the space I have right now --- all to myself --- no one to work around, having this unit as long as I like, having a good landlord, room to make the noise I want, to do things I want, a space and place fully my own, high speed internet, room to grow/expand/learn, the tools at my fingertips, the neighbourhood being safe, the parks nearby, the easy access, and I was going through it all away where I have to rebuild. It is a pattern I've seen way too long come up.
I would follow thoughts about uprooting my housing situation without looking at the pros and cons. Looking at it now I do not look at pros and cons about any decision/choices I make. I do have the thoughts, I will think on it, and in that quick space and time will believe the thought to be good depending on what I desire/want in my life. I do not go into considering the pros and cons. I do not sit down and write about it. Big decisions/choices require consideration of the pros and cons before acting out. We could potentially lead ourselves done the wrong path and fuck with our stability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not sat down to write out all the pros and cons on decisions/choices that could uproot my stability and lead m in the wrong directions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have enough money left over to save up for things I want/need after I pay my bills.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to waste time uprooting my stability to an unpredictable and possible uncomfortable situation that I would not enjoy all for the sake of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to uproot my stability by following instant thoughts of a better life by giving up current housing arrangements without considering the pros and cons.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I have everything I need for me to grow/learn/expand right under the one roof.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly want to change my living situation and uproot stability
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that having a stable housing is important for self-growth
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I will make more money remaining in my current housing situation because I have the room, and tools necessary to do what I want and enjoy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to give up everything I currently have to change my living situation back to where it was
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that my current housing situation allows me to focus on dealing with what I've been through and self-growth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that weighing up the pros and cons will help me find the best for all direction
When and as I see myself following a thought of uprooting my housing situation without considering the pros and cons – I stop and I breathe – I realise that any decision/choice that is about my housing situation requires/needs to be put through a consideration process where I weigh up the pros and cons so I can make the best decision/choice possible.
I commit myself to sit and write out pros and cons on decisions that will impact my life in a big way.
