DAY 10: Being Forced With Males (My Anger)

DAY 10: Being Forced With Males (My Anger)

I am a woman that has never liked men on an intimate level for partner. I prefer woman. That is my self-honesty and my partner will be a female one day among-st everything else that I look for in a woman. Some years ago I did something spontaneous. I asked a Person M who I cared for back then to be my partner on an assignment. I knew she was an admin so I was being spontaneous and she was really someone I wanted to be with as partner. Now, instead of answering me she ignored me. She did not reply to me and then the interviews advantage of that situation. As well as the people who were suppose to be assisting and supporting me. Whom I later found out were not. They used this situaiton to degrade me, abuse me, blackmail me, manipulate me, inferiorize me, turn me against myself by using the care that I had for that woman, they lied to me, they denied me any assistance and support with the point. Even when I said that the interviews were talking about situation. I kept going to Person A for assitance and support. I was in a mental breakdown around it. The interviews were manipulating me and talking the situation -- making me think I have the opportunity but keeping me in a situation of not knowing so that they could create contradiction. Person A would treat me like shit and the interviews would make me think that I do have an opportunity when person A would tell me that I don't that ''I'm obsessed''. When I was not. I was trying to always get free of this situation but they would not let me. Person A Refused to assist and support me and this was getting worse and worse. She was calling obsession when if these people just told me if I did or not have a partnership with this person everything would be fine. But they wanted to keep me in this entrapment so that they could have turn against myself. Then use this to manipulate me, degrade me, inferiorize me, control me, blackmail me, Person A told me I can't tell anyone what she's doing or go to anyone, she lied to me, I tried to tell her I like woman, she told me to quick playing games, she would continue to use the care that I had for the woman to say that I was obsessed so that they could keep on hurting me and manipulating me. I was suicidal they used that to take me out of the courses. My psychologist was in tears at how they manipulated me to turn against myself. She tried to help me. Then Person A used the manipulation she had over me to turn me against my psychologist by saying ''We don't think the psychologist is going to be benficial for you''. Because I was heavily manipulated by Person A and she was the one that I could only go to to get my courses I believed her. She was using my courses as a way to also manipulate me. Every time i would ask for then she would tell me that I was being manipulative when I was not. I was simply trying to tell her that I'd like to walk my courses to assist and support myself. Person S (The portal) Knew about what was going on. She also kept defining my care for the woman as obsession. Turning me against myself again and using that to hurt me, to harm me, and continue with the controlling of my life, the manipulation, and keep on making me think that there's something wrong with me when there was not. They kept on doing this until I had eventually a breakdown and continued to brutilize myself as I had no assistance and support then the interviews continued to try manipulate me with men as well as Person A and Person S. They continued to put my life at risk to try and manipulate me for males. They put me with someone who was also against me and calling me obsessed when I wasn't. The interviews kept on using this idea of not letting me know if I did or didn't -- so that they could continue to create a contradiction -- To which when I would ask for assistance and support out of it Person A and Person S would start conflict with me and try to get stern then impose their abuse onto me. Which continued for me to bruteally abuse myself and manipulate myself to turn against myself.. Then they tried to force with me. I tried my best to ask for a new buddy. I was forced back with the buddies who were abusing me. A convenient little thing happened where a male that I used to talk to at the time was also starting to talk to me again as well as getting the courses at the same time I was. To which those people were trying to groom me for him. Days after I was told that my psychologist isn't beneficial for me and being being against myself and these people using my courses to blackmail me --- and me being suicidal, not able to talk to anyone, having been abused, confused, unhappy, blamed, and in mental breakdown with no assistance and support --- And the interviews as well as these other individuals trying to force me with a this boy, I ended up saying id go live with him. Under all that abuse that's what happened. NOw, that Person A thought that was awesome. She supported me to do that. Now, I never wanted to be with male as a partner. This was abused -- I was shattered to such the extent through manipulation and abuse that my whole life and mind was put at risk for these people to force me with a male whom I never wanted to be with.

In this time of them doing that to me. I lost my opportunity for university, I lost my family relationships because of the interviews doing what they did to me and said to me, I lost the trust that i had with myself, My self acceptance, I almost died, I almost killed myself, I lost everything because of the extreme abuse from these psychopaths. I ended up homeless in Melbourne city. The person they wanted me to force myself with was jobless, no aspirations that I could I see, wanted children, and no real desire to go university, and no psychology degree for my mind in what I went through. This is what they abused me for. To live a miserable life with someone I don't want to be with and never wanted to be with as a partner -- I was never interested in men for intimate partnership. They sent me off to this boy with impacts done to my mind. His life was impacted on because of these people turning me against myself, turning me against my psychologist, hurting me, and I had to walk through more trauma, pain, suffering, loss of relationships, opportunities, self-worth, self-respect, and even the boy refusing to be my friend anymore because I didn't want him for a partner. Because I didn't want to be with someone I was abused for, and also I did not want to be with a man. Never did. This is what these people were percieving as ''Happiness''. Then because I didn't live a miserable life one that I didn't want --- They made my life worse through taking away my courses, and covering up everything they did to me. To get away with it all. 8 Years on these people still do not own up to crimes they committed against my life and process. They still deny me the right to walk my courses, and share myself on forums. They still deny me the right to heal from these situations and punish me for their own doing. These people need to stop what they're doing and stop trying to blame me for their crimes. Their issues/problems. Because I am not to blame for the abuse and the psychopathic issues/problems that these people have.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel angered by the years of abuse imposed onto me for the likes men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I will not be with a male in this life time even if these people sitll want to accusee me or impose their abuse onto me.

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I will not live a life of misery for the sake of those people getting away with the crimes they committed.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that those individuals will not get away with their crimes

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I was completely manipulated and abused when I said that I'd live with that boy they were trying to force em with and thefore does not in anyway stand nor did I ever say that I'd be his partner and if I did it was not to him nad it was said of a mental breakdown which has no stand or meaning to it as it is not me and was a result of the abuse that was imposed onto me from these individuals who had psychopathic issues/problems.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that I am not blame for any of those situations happens as I wan fully unaware, in mental breakdown, being manipulated by the interviews, and the buddies that were supposed to be assisting and supporting me around that time.

I forrgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that those people were aware of the damages they were creating as I would constantly go to then to tell them what is going on and show them what was happening within me and they would deny me assistance and support but continue to manipulate me, lie to me, degrade me, inferiorize me, and continue to confuse me, and call obsessed when I was not.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that I am not to blame for any of this as I went to a psychologist to get assistance and support, I was manipuled and lied to by PErson A who was continusouly grooming me for males, and therefore she is responsible for the continuance of the abuse, and also the boy getting hurt..

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/undrestand ti I am not responsible for that boy getting hurt when he set himself up and so did those people just like they set me up.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for that person getting hurt because of what those people did to me and him getting involved as a result of what they were doing to me.

I forgive myself that I havnen't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I am not responsible for any of crimes these people have committed.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that even know these pople have done all that I still not have to force myself with men even if they make it a requirement as no oine has to force themselves with anyone just to asssit and support themselves with courses.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that there are other people who happen to like the same-sex intimately in Desteni and they walk the courses and I shouldn't be treated any other way.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that Person A and S are responsible as well the interview for the damages they created for my family, my life, and that boy's life.

I forgive myself that I havnen't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that i was never obsessed with Person M they just used that as a way to fuck with my mind and turn me against myself so that they could try make me live a miserable life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I do need a male in my life to assist ance support myself with the courses.

I forgive myself thta I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that i do not need partner to assist and support myself with the courses.

I forgive myslef that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that these people cannot force me with men and if they try it will not work as I will ensure that they plans fail as I will not have myself be raped by males or be with people I am abused for .

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that there are no excuses for what these people did ot me --- it was an absolute crime for these fully aware individuals to impose their psychopathic hatred, abuse, and whatever else existed within them onto me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I went to these people to assist and support me and they refused but continued to abuse therefore they're responsible for all the damage that they created for me in my life yet I will pick up the damages and do not need those 5 individuals in my life as I do not want any more damage to be done and nothing they say within a personal direct conversation will ever be listened to as they lost the opporunity to ever be trustred at the slightest due to their actions, behaviours and willingness to commit crimes against me.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself ot not see/realise/understand that what i wanted for my life was never to be with a male ot to lose any of my opportunities but to simply assist and support myself through going to university, walking my course and have a decision of who I go with as my partner -- not anything related to being abused for men.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that none of the crimes comitted ever assisted/supported me, those 5 individuals who have psychopathic issues/problems to committ the crimes, nor did they assist or support Desteni.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that these people kept doing this within full aware and I was not aware as they would continue to commit crimes to cover up what they had done so that no one else frinds out.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the crimes committed by these 5 individuals were not of benefit to desteni, to my process, to life in general.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I will not give up on myself, what I want for me, and how I want to live within my life no matter how long these people take away my courses, delete my accounts or try to frame me for the things they have done and force me with men (if they're still trying/attempting to do that)

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to  not seer/ealise/underststand that all their crimes they committed was a big waste of time and did not help anyone.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand the crimes they continue to committ against me and my process as they do not allow me to walk my courses with a buddy of my choice do not help anyone or change anything

I forgive myself that i haven't accepte dand allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the pressure they continue to push onto me through committing their crimes will not make me give in or give on what I want for myself and who I want as partner

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed msyelf to not see/realise/understand that I will not change my sexuality to please the people that have committed crimes

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that no matter how many times these people hurt me through committing their crimes I will not change that part of myself and I will not give up on me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the only result and option of these situations are for these 5 individuals to own up their responsibility of the crimes they committed, to face their consequences, and to give me back my courses with a buddy of my choice so that I can have a real new beginning with someone who will not impose their psycopathic issues/problems onto me and use their assistive and supportive positions to abuse me for men.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that all the abuse these people have continued to impose onto me has not helped anyone and they need to face that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that these people have no control over who I go with as my partner and will not ever decide that as I will be with a female in my life as that is a part of me and something I accept even despite these people trying to come between with absolute disregard for my life.

I forgive myself that i hve accepted and allowed msyelf to have believed that it was wrong to care for that woman when there is nothing wrong with caring for someone it was just the fact that these people labeled it as ''obsession'' when it was not.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that i am not to blame for their ineffectiv assistance and support.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that those individuals are not going to make crumble under pressure ever. As I am not interested in men for intimate partner and this war that they started to control who I go will not continue as they lost before they even started.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate myself and the strength I have to stand up to these 5 individuals that had psychopathic issues/problems that were imposed onto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am wrong to ensure that I have a control over who I go with my partner when that is a right that I have just living my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am in debt to that boy they tried to force me with when I am in debt to no one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for the boy that has to find out that I was abused for him and feel sorry for him because now I have to speak about these things in public so that these people (5 individuals) can face their consequences.

I forgive myself that I havne't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that these people had plenty of opportunities to stop what they were doing so that it doesn't get to this point and they refused to so they have to face their consequences

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I am helping that boy see the truth and those people who committed the crimes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have apologised to that boy who I was forced with in the time that I was being blamed by those individuals when It was not my fault -- I was just heavily manipulated to believe it was and therefore I am not sorry to that boy as it had nothing to do with me, and I tried to stop these people but was heavily manipulated.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that that boy chose to not be my friend and to break it off therefore we no longer communicate and that isn't my fault it is his choice.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I not have any forgiveness to give to the people who committed crimes against and therefore they need to respect what I would like for myself so that I can heal and maybe oneday I will have the forgiveness enough to bring them back into my life.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the only way through healing is to speak about what happened so that it is out in the open and everyone can be clear with what crimes have committed and responsibility can be taken then these situations moved into a solution where I get my courses and buddy of my choice as well as share myself on the forums which is something I have always enjoyed.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have formed a continuance behavioural pattern where I argue with my memories, thoughts, and feelings as a result of being isolated in the problem when Person A told me that I couldn't go speak about this with anyone else then isolated as a result which had caused me to start arguing internally, then behaviourally, then emotionally.

I forgive myself that I hvae accepted adn allowed msyelf to experience the contuinance trauma from the crimes committed against me by these 5 individuals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be able to continue in my life if I keep on allowing myself to argue with memories, thoughts, and emotions that come up in my daily life around the situation and the continued crimes that are committed against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to argue with my mind, thoughts, and emotions about these situations to the extent where I cannot focus on anything else.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel very angry that I have to continue to walk my process in way where I"m having to use different accounts when this is what they have reduced me to because they will not take responsibility of their crimes and face their consequences when I have to do what I have to do until they take responsibility and face their consequence.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that these people have nothing to use against me because everything they had caused is a result of their own actions, behaviours, and abuse they committed that lead to me behaving the ways that I did and the impacts on my mind --- they were more aware -- I was not and thefore they responsible for the crimes committed.

I forgive mysefl that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that these people did not live to their principles regardless of what they believe in.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that no matter how well-off, smart, or this or that a male may be, I still will not go with them.

I forgive msyefl that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that these individuals can try all sorts of things to try force me with men as intimate partner but it will immediately fail.

When and as I see myself arguing with my emotions, memories, and imaginations around this situation on a daily basis - I stop and I breathe - I realise that gong back through these situations can be done a time when I decide to write so that I am not letting it steal my whole enitre day.

When and as I see myself aruging with my emotions, memories, and imaginations on a daily basis about these situaitons - I stop and I breathe - I realise that I have a system in place that I am using to create a solution for these people not taking responsibility and it is this that I can use as a way to help me further in my process and to find a point of healing.

DAY 9: Picking Up The Damage

DAY 9: Picking Up The Damage

Yesterday I felt very angry about having to pick up the damage from the psychopathic issues/problems that were imposed onto me by 5 individuals. I've said this before, but I feel that it is very necessary to note down the crimes that were committed against my life. I was lied to, manipulated, degraded, betrayed, forced into a mental breakdown, manipulated to force myself with a male, turned against my psychologist who was helping me out of the situation these created, I was homeless because of the psychological abuse being imposed upon me, due to the severe psychological abuse and the impacts it was having onto me I ended up losing family and they were trying to force me with this male. So I was degraded, manipulated, abused, inferiorized, tormented, humiliated by these 5 individuals who imposed their psychopathic issues/problems onto me. They came back into my life to blame me, lie to me, inferiorize me, lie to other people about me and then try force me with males again. So, these people continued to impsoe their psychopathic issues/problems onto my life causing me to be homeless, causing me to lose my family, causing me to lose opportunities for universities, taking away my DIP pro courses from me, hurting other people including the boy they were trying force me with, they wouldn't listen me when I told them I liked women and they did this knowing that it was impacting on my life so severely. They did not care about my life, the lives of my family, the life of that boy they were trying to force me with, they did not care about anyone in the situations that they created. So as a result of all this it has truly had an extreme psychological impact on my life, it has impacted upon my financial situation, it has impacted on my relationships with other people, and my trust levels, it has created severe problems within my relationship to myself because of the psychopathic issues/problems that exist in these individuals. Not only did they do this but they still continue to this day to not allow me to walk my DIP Pro courses as they don't want me sharing about the damages that they have created for me in my life. Yet create severe disadvantagement and don't want to look at the damages --- but they'll either face them here or face them in the afterlife so there is really not point to them keeping someone out of their DIP Pro courses and causing further disadvantagement for someone in their process.

These people kept on using my courses for a way to blackmail me into the ''conversion abuse''. But it was entirely manipulation and none of it I wanted. It was all pure manipulation from these people that caused on the damages between me and other people as well as even my business. They even tried to cover all this up from me seeing it and people within the group. They lied to everyone about me and expected me to be raped by a person I was abused for. So, I can only define these people as having psychopathic issues/problems to sit there and watch themselves abuse the crap out of a vulnerable individual then think themselves to be of ''assistance and support''. It is nothing short of crimes being committed against me.

This all being said, yesterday I felt very annoyed and pissed off that I have to pick up the damage from the psychopatic issues/problems that they imposed onto my life. Oh and did I mention that they used my care for someone who I cared for to manipulate me to turn against myself. --- yes, that is another issue/problem stemming within these people. Now, continuing on. I was really pissed off and angry. I didn't want to accept that I have to live my life in a worse off position because of some psychopaths coming into my life and destroying half of my developmental process, my relationship to the system, my financial position, my mind, cause me to have psychological assistance and support now on a continuous basis, and degrade me for males --- then make me believe as human being, tha ti have to settle for less than what I would for myself in this life. They degraded me to lower myself so that they could have this delusional idea of happiness. SO, I wasn't to live for myself -- I was to degrade myself for another individual to make them happy. So --- Then I've got to pick up the damages of their psychopathic issues/problems that they imposed onto me --- A vulnerable innocent individual who hasn't done anything wrong to anyone. But made sure I didn't lower my standards and go with someone I was abused for. Then stick up for myself, assist and support myself with psychologist, and continue to build a business or life for me then go after my course to assist and support myself onto of having to deal with these people trying to cover up their psychopathic issues/problems not just from me but from other people who are close to them. Pretty Psychopathic. Ontop of that, they're trying to pick and choose who comes into assist and support themselves by gifting themselves the courses. That is like the ruling elite saying ''we will choose who gets this and who doesn't''.. It is absolute inequality. Then these people claim they're what is best for all. They have shown nothing but psychopathic issues/problems.

So --- I was pissed off at having to instead of live a life of walking unversity and doing my DIP Pro courses and having a wife and the house and my organisation up and running at a young age -- Instead of having that in my life I'm having to pick up all the damages these people created from their psychopathic issues/problems being imposed onto me. Instead of having all things I could have had had these people imposed their issues/problems onto me --- I am now having to spend hours in front of computer, running three businesses, trying to start up an organisation, having to create various accounts to one day get my DIP Pro courses that I wan to gift to myself and always have, and not give time to friendships, to actually be able to put time and focus into my Desteni studies --- not have an intimate partnership a girl I want to be with -- To eventually have enough money to not having to live pay check to pay check at 27 years old. So instead of having everything that I would have had if these individuals didn't bring their ick issues/problems into my life -- I would already have everything in my life and I would have been happy. Now I have to struggle and strive to eventually one day be able to own a house of my own, to have a wife who I believe is compatible to me, to have a family of my own, to have a career I am satisfied with and not only that but I have to start my process to be effective at it --- At 27 years old when I came here when I was 16. They have been doing this to me for 8 years and disadvantaging my process through abusing me and disadvantaging me in the system. These people have only ever committed crimes here. So I was furious.

But what I had to realise is that I haven't given up on me. I see/realise/understand that I am not the problem. I have never been the problem. The only problems/issues that have caused all of this is what exists inside of those 5 individuals who think is absolutely acceptable to impose their psychopathic issues/problems onto another human being.

When crimes are committed against a vulnerable innocent individual it isn't the perpetrator that have to pick up the damages. No, in this case I'll never get a day in court so there is no justice there. As far as I'm concerned, it is the victim who has to pick up the damages that perpetrators create. So, once I realised that yes, my life isn't where it should be as a result of the severe psychopathic issues/problems that exist inside these 5 individuals --- and I do have to now struggle and strive as I have always had to as result of these psychopathic issues/problems existent within these individuals.
It is just how it is. As a result of having to struggle and strive to make the type of money that I could have been making prior to the imposing of their issues/problems onto me. But that's how it is.

You know all these psychopatic issues/problems that they imposed never damaged this people. They own land, they own their houses, they don't get anything taken away from them for not forcing themselves to be raped or live with someone they don't want to be with, they weren't homeless --- they watched from their own land --- they weren't affected, they didn't lose money, they didn't lose their process because of their own issues/problems they didn't get disadvantaged because the imposing of their own issues/problems -- No --- these people were perfectly fine --- but they just sat there watching as they abused the crap out of someone and imposed their psychopathic issues/problems and blamed me for it all because I didn't allow myself to be raped or live with someone I don't even know. So, the issues/problems that these people have is very extreme. They also keep denying me the right to walk my courses to this day and share myself about picking up the damages where I enjoy to share my writings.

So I was angry about having to live a life of struggling still to this day because of the psychopathic issues/problems these people imposed onto my life. But this is what happens when crimes committed it's the victim that suffers -- it is not the perpetrators (especially in this situation). I have to live this life -- not these people who created the damage -- It's me. That is something I have to accept and yes because I have to get to a point in my life where I can afford to buy house, to have a family of my own with a wife who I'm happy to be with and to have a career that helps other people -- Yeah, I've got to work my ass, I have to give up decent hours of sleep, I have to give up on spending time with friends, I have to only spend four hours on my Desteni studies every night when I could have been giving more time to my self had these people not imposed their ick issues/problems onto me. It's not them that has to live with the knowing that someone has abused he shit of them for men. It's not them. It is me. But then again... They have to live with knowing that they did that to someone. So, I'd rather be me then them. Because you have to be an absolute psychopath to do that to someone.

BUT AGAIN -- I see/realise/understand that yes my life will have more struggles and challenges as I continue to create a life that I could have had these people not walked into my life imposing their psychopathic issues/problems onto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed about having to pick up all of the damages from the psychopathic issues/problems those 5 individual imposed onto me and my process.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that victims of a crime have to pick the damages and that's the reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that so long as I still keep going for the things that I deserve to have in my life through my own enjoyment, and also to assist/support me in my process, that is a part of picking up the damages these people have created.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I will have to be in a ridged routine and sit in front of a computer very often as part of picking up the damages so that I can have the life that I would have had if these people didn't impose their psycopathic issues/problems into my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I will have everything that I've wanted and needed in my life eventually as I keep picking up the damaged thse people have imposed onto my life as well as my process.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that this is my life for now until I am able to reach a point where I make enough money to live instead of paycheck to paycheck survival.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be furious about having to pick up all the damage that these people with psychopatic issues/problems brought into my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated, anger, and annoyed because I have to invest large chunks of my time picking up the damages that these people created in my life through manipulating, degrading me, torturing me, lying to me, betraying me, and absolutely treating me like a piece of shit for the likes of men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated about all the damages that I've got to now pick up in my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that as a victim I do have to pick up the damages in order to have a decent life that I'd like to live for myself .

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that there will be great benefits to the consistant work that I am putting into my businesses, my organisation and so my process to so long as I continue to pick up the extensive amount of damage these people created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now have to focus my process on picking up the damages that people with psychopathic issues/problems created for me through imposed those problem/issues onto my life and process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that because these people have disadvantaged me in my process that I should give up on me and my process when no that isn't an option.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that giving up on my life and process is of any option to me in this life time just because of what those people did to me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that investing 4 hours into my desteni studies is decent enough as that's all I can offer as I have to pick up the damages around my financial situation first-hand as that's what keeps me alive.

When and as I see myself feeling furious/pissed off/frustrated/annoyed by me having to pick up the damages that were created by these people who have psychopathic issues/problems that they imposed onto me - I stop and I breathe - I realise that as a victim of a crime I have to pick up the damages in order to assist and support myself in my process as well as my life so that I can continue to create the life that will make me happy and so is best for all.

I commit myself to continue to do what i have to do to pick up all the damages they created for me in this life time to get back the opportunities I'd have already had if those people did not impose their issues/problems onto me and my process.

DAY 8: Insecurities and Anxiety in Public Places

DAY 8: Insecurities and Anxiety in Public Places

I go out on a regular basis to shopping centers in the city. In the public areas there are lots of people. It is in these environments that I have insecurities and anxiety come up about how I look/appear. A fear that comes up is about people knowing that I am interested in same-sex for intimate partnership through what I wear/how I dress. I do not have any starting points that are geared to dress depending on sexuality. I wear clothes that I like and it is here were I start defining what I wear as ''Gay''. My usually dress is a t-shirt and jeans. The T-shirt could be a long-sleeved or short. My clothing is designed for a female and so I do not in anyway dress for sexuality. However, I am constantly fearful of attacks, bullying, harassment and people knowing that I am interested in woman for intimate partnership. In the past I was attacked by people who were supposed to be of assistance and support to me. Instead they made attempts to attack me because I was interested in females for intimate partnership and they did not like this. They took it upon themselves thinking/believing ''We are assisting and supporting you''. These people had caused a great amount of damage to my life on a psychological level, a physical level, a financial level and a relationship level. There is a ton of damage that I have to pick up after those people willingly, knowingly, awarely psychologically abused me for males --- and became very self-interested in their own happiness. They did this without my awareness, my knowing, my understanding of it and so it was all forced.  

So having had that experience I am fearful of people attacking me for my choice and acceptance of that part of me again. This causes the anxiety, the insecurities, the fear and a not so comfortable experience in public places.  

I do not let the insecurities or anxiety stop me from going out. I have full acceptance of that part of me despite people in the outside world not having an acceptance about it within themselves. I've come to realise that people cannot control who I decide to have as my own partner in this life time nor can their opinions, issues and problems about it change my decision to be with a female who likes woman as much as I do in this life time. I have come to realise If no one accepts me and I'm the only want who does then that is all that matters. What I have to be aware of is my own thoughts, actions, words and deeds so that even if I do get attacked again I can ensure that it does not deter me, or make me question myself when that isn't necessary as the problems exist within those people trying to control who someone else goes with. So long as two people are aware and understanding as well as following laws of the system and want to be together then it is perfect acceptable to be with one another to do so and has nothing to do with anyone else's opinion.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk in the shopping centers constantly worried about being mocked, bullied, physically beaten up, or ridiculed for being interested in woman for intimate partnership. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that who I go with as my partner is my choice along with another females in this life time and has no involvement of a decision from other people if we both agree to be with one another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let what those 5 individuals did in their attacks against my choice/decision to have a female for intimate partnership control how I feel in public places 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that no matter what opinions or beliefs people have about same-sex partnership I just have to take responsibility for any emotions that come up to someone speaking their opinions and beliefs then make sure that it does not make me not accept that part of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep questioning my choice of who I will have as my partner because of the attacks against me by 5 individuals who have issues and problems with same-sex partnership.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that not following what those people wanted/desired in their own self interest was a very good move/decision because these people do not control who I go with as a partner in this life time or the next --- It is solely up to me who I have as my partner and it won't be influenced by those 5 individuals.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being physically beaten by people in a public area 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being made fun of because I like woman for intimate partnership.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am being dishonest with me by not going with males just because someone else had an experience where someone told them that they have to disregard themselves and go with the opposite sex.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am wrong because I choose to have a woman for a partner instead of a male.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel wrong because of the attacks against those 5 individuals and them not having any remorse for what they did in anyway whatsoever.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever consider changing to suit those 5 individuals. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever want/desire to make other people happy when it comes to choice of partnership when it is about my happiness as this is my life and I have to share the rest of my life with someone I am happy to be with.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to change my choice/decision to be with a woman for intimate partnership because of the attacks that I received from these 5 individuals who tried/attempted to brutualize for the likes males.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that the attacks against me were unjust, they did not assist or support anyone, they were abusive and were never going to be of assistance or support for anyone in this life time as they knew very well that I was not interested in males in that way and so took it upon themselves to enforce it but did not succeed as it is not my self-honesty, it is not my choice, it is their idea of happiness and that idea was deception because it was not best for all.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that it is perfectly ok to express oneself how one chooses within what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about my short hair and being label as a 'male or boy' or transgendered  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I am by no means transgendered as I understand that my body is female, I am a woman and there is no want within me to harm my body to make it seem like a males.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I do not need to change my body to suit my choice of partnership.  

When and as I see myself feeling insecure with anxiety coming up – I stop and I breathe – I realise that what I have control over in a public space is my own words, thoughts and deeds --- If anyone were to make a comment, opinion, etc then I can choose in a moment what I decide to do and make one that is best for all.