DAY 29: Depression: Loss Of Appetite And Structure/Routine

DAY 29: Depression: Loss Of Appetite And Structure/Routine

My daily routine/structure changes as I make decisions on what I would like to focus on throughout the day. The new changes of direction in my life means that I'll have to make changes to my routine/structure and so the way I live. I've always wanted to have a 4 – 5 hour sleep pattern.  

I have failed every time I've attempted to sleep these amount of hours. I'd be so eager and determined before I go to bed to and I'd set the alarm then when the four hours comes at the sound of the alarm I don't bother to get up. I will go straight back to sleep.  

I wake up some hours later at about 6:30am where I'll feel like I have no energy. I'll reset the alarm for another hour or so and then get up when the sunlight in the windows becomes brighter and I can no longer allow myself to waste hours of the day in bed. Every time I noticed I do this I feel disappointed.  

I feel like I've lost hours of my life that I could have been doing something valuable for it. I wanted to know why it was that I kept doing this and why I feel drained every time I wake up. Of course, the obvious – It's my diet and exercise. I'm harsh on my body and mind throughout the day.  

I'm what you would call a very determined person. I want to do well for myself in life. To do well for myself in my life I have to really work hard on me and push myself. Because of my past I do have to work harder than most people. Without my determination I'd probably give up on life and myself. So – I do every day push my mind and body. I have to push my body through a lot every day to move myself from A to B.  

I do not have a car right now to get from A to B. I have to walk or bike about 35 – 45 minutes every day. Longer walking than biking. Plus returning home so throughout the entire day I do a total of 2 hours bike riding and longer walking. If my father needs something than I have to walk to the shops or bike there. So, the majority of my day I am biking or walking. This amount of exercise has really made me conditioned to consistent cardio and increased my stamina. But --- It can really wear me down quite quickly and without a lot of energy from food --- I can often feel burnt out in the mornings – At night I really do not feel it as I drink coffee but when the morning comes – I do feel like getting up out of bed in the early hours that much. It's only when the sun burns brighter and I tell myself not to waste time anymore – got to keep moving. So between those hours of about 10 pm – 6am I find recently I won't get up.  

I want to stay in bed because I don't want to walk or bike anymore. But it's what one has to do to get from A to B unless I  save money for a car. The hard part is not having a quality diet. I am often feeling lose of appetite and not really eager to eat much at all. I do eat, but not a lot so maybe changing that. Especially with the amount of exercise – food is necessary.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste hours of my night sleeping away the hours that I was going to use for some projects of mine 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not eat a solid three meals a day and just drink coffee with some nibbles. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been less caring about my physical by not saving up for a car that will help me get to A to B and also make it easier for future projects. 

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to lose my appetite for foods throughout the day.  

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to solely use coffee to fill me up and give me an energy boost to be able to handle the exercise I do every day.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread exercise of a morning when my body can handle it just without the proper intake of food – makes it not easy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that due to my responsibilities a car is now a necessary for me to fulfill and live up to these responsibilities.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat not bother taking my lunch in the morning  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up late where I do not have much time to prepare meals of a morning.  

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sleep too many hours a night and mornings. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my physical needs by not being consistent with the routine/structure that I have set for myself by letting emotions lead me off the structure/routine  

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I have to work harder than most people due to my past and the disadvantagement that I have undergone means that my relationship to the system is not one that it would have been and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that being determined ito change my structure/routine would be of benefit to my life and will keep a consistent routine where I condition myself to be able to make changes and also spot what needs to be changed in my life.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so depressed that I do not wish to even get up in the morning.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed about having to exercise – bike and walk – to my father's place of a morning. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed about seeing the state/condition of my father and not being able to rid him of cancer.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed about having to watch my chemotherapy do further damage to my father's health. 

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed because my father is losing his eye sight.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed about my relationship to the system and what it could have been if I was not abused.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use what I am facing as an excuse to slack off and not keep to my structure/routine  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself and so become depressive where I do not eat, and/or keep to structure/routine than prefer to sleep longer so I do not have to face determination and my motivation to change my life.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to douse my determination and motivation with depression. 

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I am responsible for having to walk from A to B as I do not save for a car  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get distracted by other items that I want/desire instead of working on saving up for a car.  

I commit myself to wake up after the four – five hours every single day  

I commit myself to not go back to sleep when the alarm goes off.  

I commit myself to wake up and prepare meals for the day so I do not feel so drained and have to dependent on caffeine.  

I commit myself to eat more food.  

I commit myself to work with my daily structure/routine to help change me. 

I commit myself to save money for a car

DAY 28: A New House Mate

DAY 28: A New House Mate

In a few months I'll be inviting someone to come share my place with me. I did not really want to have another person living with me yet but because of a problem that a hand full of individuals want to create for me, I have to bring someone in to solve for the problem. I have been a little resistant to giving up some of my space. With some consideration and weighing up the pros and cons, I find that it would be cool to have someone as a friend to speak with, share my place with and well, she with someone who will also be learning the Desteni tools.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resistant to bringing someone in to assist and support me to solve for a problem that a hand full of people create for me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a female friend with me in my life who will be learning the Desteni tools as I am.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what may come up in me having a house mate living with me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed about having to give up my office space to accommodate a female who will be helping me solve a problem and learn about desteni tools along the way.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting close to another person who will be learning the desteni tools. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing my space  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about having little space in my bedroom now that I have to use it as an office and a bedroom. 

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that it is an opportunity for a friendship to sprout and to talk to someone who will also have the desteni knowledge/information  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel impatient with starting the move-in process and so to solve the problem the handful of people continue to create for me.  

I commit myself to be patient with a finding the right female house mate for the task/job and someone I can co-exist with.