DAY 16: Healthy Balance Between Communication and Relationship With Self and Others

DAY 16: Healthy Balance Between Communication and Relationship With Self and Others

In the process of getting to know a potential partner I did not give time to my life. For four days I spent time communicating with a woman. I developed habits like picking up my phone and checking messages, I did not focus on changing the points that I did notice coming up,  I obsessed about her lots, I was in a honey-moon phase as we got to know each other and it was this that lead to the potential to be now not really existent. A consequence of not giving the time I need to myself and the life I have mean't that I did not change anything when/during the opportunity was present. Every moment spent with a person is an opportunity to change and I didn't do it. By not changing what is not best for all inside ourselves that affects relationships could lead to a breakdown in relationships and communication. If we gift the change to our relationships by working on changing the not so great about ourselves then relationships can be about growth, expansion and self-support – Not about energy and riding waves in ignorance of what needs to be changed.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have invested too much time into the communication and relationship building with Person S that I did not give the time and attention to me that would have made the communication and relationship building process much more beneficial and comfortable.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not had a balance of giving time to me and relationships.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build relationships that are purely built on energy instead of real platform of support.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not listened to that voice in my head that kept showing me the common sense and solution to communication breakdowns in relationships.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over the communication and relationship building process  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not gifted myself the time and so the change that could have kept a relationship in my life  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so obsessed with the communication and relationship process that I forget my life and push the person away because I don't want to face me  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the person S for the communication breakdown  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny me the gift of change through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application by remaining ignorant through not writing, not reflecting, and so not changing while the opportunity of the relationship is there.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel great regret for not changing myself or being aware of what I say in relationships.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not been aware of the breathing during interactions and communication with people so that I do not speak out of emotions/feelings that will lead to something I later regret or became the reasons for miscommunication.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how people react to what I say.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking with other people in case I say something that they react to when it is all about how I say and if they proceed to react to that after I've put consideration into how to say then that does not define me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry so about what I will say in case of a relationship failing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear communication ceasing  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that being aware of the 4 count breath, writing everyday and putting what I'm going to say to someone through a filtration process I am able to be the best I can be in relationships and rest assure that I've done my best if a relationship does not work out.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that a relationship is all about learning where my weakness and strengths are through interactions, communication, and also learning as well as assisting/supporting another to do the same.  

When and as I see myself  giving too much to the communication and relationship – I stop and I breathe – I realise that by gifting myself the time I need for me to change my life and who I am within relationships and communication I can be the best in those relationships so that they are assistive and supportive and I can function in them the best of my abilities.  

I commit myself to have a healthy balance of communication and relationships  

I commit myself to have a healthy balance with communication with me and my relationship to myself  

DAY 15: REACT NO MORE

DAY 15: REACT NO MORE

I had my accounts on the forums deleted again today. I didn't do anything wrong they just deleted my account. When I saw that my account was deleted I immediately had some backchat, frustration, annoyance, and went slightly back into memories where I opened up wounds of the EVIL psychopathic issues/problems that were imposed onto me by 5 individuals. Now, everything is perfectly fine in my life. I do not need to go back into the memories of what these psychopathic issues/problems that these people imposed onto me. You know I've come up with a solution to all the fucked up damage that they left me to pick up and I'm still walking my process, going for my courses and doing what I enjoy in my life. What I don't need is the reactions or to go back unless I have to change a point that I'm wanting to change on. But, there is no point right now other than to stop reacting to the issues/problems that these 5 individuals impose onto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start backchatting about my account being deleted from the forums right where I get comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and annoyed about the psychopathic issues/problems as the games that those 5 individuals play in how they continue to delete my accounts so that they can continue cause conflict, problems and whatever else they do it for. Which does not in any way benefit anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all sorts of images and ideas of those 5 individuals inside my mind when they delete my accounts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my writings are bad in anyway shape or form

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame of my writings for my account being deleted when my writings were not a problem at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all sorts of bizarre imaginations of how these 5 individuals behave when they continue to delete my accounts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring up memories of the horric events/situations those 5 individuals created through there psychopathic issues/problems theat they imposed unto me when they delete my accounts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start having all sorts of reactions come up to the memories that flicker in my mind when I start to react to/towards the accounts being deleted.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that those psychopathic issues/problems that those 5 individuals impose onto me is a direct reflection of who they are and has noting to do with me or my process in anyway whatsoever and so all that has to be done is to create another account and continue with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and annoyed by these people who continuously impose their issues/problems onto me and allow it to impact me to such the extent that I'll start reacting and opening wounds that I am busy allowing to heal as I've created solutions for what they have created in/by/through imposing their psychopathic issues/problems onto me and my process.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that those individuals are their own problem and have nothing to do with me in my life.

I forgive myself that i hvaen't accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about these people being my friends in this life time when that would be very detrimental for me and my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed msyelf to not see/realise/understand that people with psychopathic issues/problems are a disservice to me in my life and cannot enter it on a physical or personal buddy level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that those 5 people never cared about my life therefore they are not a good fit for me and will not enter into my life as personal buddy or in any physical way as there is no trust tat will ever be there.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that we can work in the same environment but not communicate in a personal buddy way or physical

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that so long as I continue to create opportunity for me to do the things I want for myself in my life I will be perfectly fine and continue to walk my process.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to let those psychopathic issues/problems that those people have effect me when they delete my accounts by/through falling back into memories of the horrific evil that they imposed onto me and so hurting other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that those people cannot hurt me ever again so long as I realise I am not responsible for there issues/problems and continue to create solutions for there imposing behaviours.


When and as I see myself backchatting, and/or reacting to these 5 individauls deleting my accounts - I stop and I breathe - I realise that everything is still the same and nothing has changed it is just about create a new account and moving the same way we've been for many years as nothing changes and to continue with everything I am doing in my life to make it BEST FOR ALL.

DAY 14: Resistance To Desteni Tools = Fear of Change

DAY 14: Resistance To Desteni Tools = Fear of Change

I came across Desteni when I was 16 – 17 years old. It was in a stage of my life where I was searching/looking for the meaning of life. There were a bunch of circumstantial factors that lead me to start ask this question. I started to apply the desteni tools and my life did begin to change. My life started to change for the better but I was faced with challenging/difficult times. I won't go into detail about the difficulties I've had right now – but it took a great chunk of my time to get out of those challenging situations. What I did not get to do with all that time is spend it on my Desteni studies. I am now in a very stable position in my life to spend some of my time to catching up . I have scheduled in 4 – 5 hours a night to write, listen to eqafe interviews,  read blogs and do course assignments. There are zero excuses that I can use to not study. However, I still feel a slight resistence to listening to eqafe intervews, reading blogs and writing.  It will come time to do my studies but then a resistance and a want to postpone will come up. The thoughts say ''I'll do it tomorrow night'', I'll do it tomorrow morning'', "I'm tired right now.. I've had a long day'' or once I've written I'll not want to do anything else Desteni related. I pushed past all that this evening and went straight to my laptop to study. I listened to two interviews then downloaded once to play on my iphone when I am walking and now I am writing this blog post. What I have taken from the interviews this evening is very valuable. I have realised what I need to change in my life just within two interviews alone. This was what I needed to help/aid me in my process.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resisted the Desteni knowledge/information now that I am able to study it effectively. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse ''I'm too tired'', ''I've had a long day'', ''I want to get to bed'' so that I do not study the Desteni knowledge/information. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to left my thoughts prevent me from assisting and supporting myself with the Desteni knowledge/information.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired when the time comes to study the Desteni knowledge/information. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I have no excuse not to study the Desteni knowledge/information. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist sitting in front of the computer listening to the sound of the eqafe interviews. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone and resist listening to the eqafe interview  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have postpone and resisted assisting and supporting myself by listening to the eqafe interviews.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to study the Desteni knowledge/information because I am behind.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I can catch up with my Desteni studies.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever considered giving up.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist reading blog posts.  

I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to resist using the tools of Desteni to crack me open to find out who I am so I can make changes to me and so my life.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot get to know me or handle walking out of my mind.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I am going to undercover about my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR MEEE 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR CHANGING. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR CHANGING ME 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR becoming/being effective with my process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting better at process 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear using the tools effectively. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that by resisting the desteni tools and becoming effective with them I am really resisting getting to know me, and changing my life.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resisted changing my life.  

To be continued.... 

DAY 13: Choosing The Breath

DAY 13: Choosing The Breath


I wake up to the remind of having to be aware of my breathing. I will hold onto the awareness for several minutes, but I would slip back into thoughts then remember again a bit later. I do find it challenging for me to remain aware of the breath. Where it challenges me the most is when I am working on the computer. If I am watching a documentary, YouTube, reading an article or working on my businesses I will lose that awareness. The awareness of the breathe comes easier when I am physically active. I cannot be physically moving the body all of the time so here is my change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose awareness of the breathe when in front of the computer reading an article, watching a documentary, on YouTube and/or working on my businesses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose awareness of the breathe and trade it in for living in thoughts for the majority of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose thought over the awareness of breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot be so aware of the breathe in every moment of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose focus here and there throughout the day instead of being consistent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can walk process without being consistent in awareness of the breathe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being consistent with the breathe.

I commit myself to be aware of the breathe constantly throughout the day.

DAY 12: INVESTING TIME INTO DISTRACTIONS

DAY 12: INVESTING TIME INTO DISTRACTIONS

Out of curiosity I started watching a TV series. It is about all sorts of drama-related issues that Youth face in and out of school. I watched about 3 episodes a day when I have the spare time. It was soon becoming a habit. I was curious of the plots, I liked the characters and I wanted to see how it all played out. As time went I started questioning why I'm watching this TV series.

I am a very ambitious sort of person. I do not like wasting time on TV series. The plans I've got for my life are ones that require lots of time investment. The distraction from investing that time properly is something I want to change about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get hooked onto characters that are constantly experiencing drama.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get hooked on the mystery that TV shows use to lure viewers in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get hooked on characters who I deem very attractive and want to continue watching for the sake of seeing all of facial expressions and feel admiration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get hooked on looks of TV characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my ambition on TV series.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time on TV series.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I do not require to watch TV shows.

I commit myself to not watch any TV shows unless they're documentary based

DAY 11: The Support Of A Group

DAY 11: The Support Of A Group

Last year I came up with an idea to start an LGBT support group. It came at a time where I needed an outlet to heal from what these 5 individuals did to me. In the previous blog post I mentioned that I was abused, degraded, manipulated, lied to, betrayed, turned against my psychologist, forced into a a mental breakdown, almost losing my life, losing my family and opportunities to go university. All this was done by 3 of the 5 individuals in the past. Because of that and these people continuing to blame me for what they did then take away my courses constantly -- I haven't been able to heal from what has been done. So, I took it upon myself to create my own healing and strengthen my stand point for people who do like the same-sex for intimately partnership. This was an awesome idea that I wanted to bring to life but I needed to first study. I am now getting back into the study process for the creation of the support group. I am learning about group facilitation, being a leader, running a support group, and about LGBT mental health. I am quite excited to bring it to life under an organisation that I've wanted to start up. I also excited to share my story with many people about how I managed to make sure that these 3 individuals didn't get what they wanted. Me to live a life miserably. That's what they wanted me to do. To be unhappy, to be raped, to be small, inferior, insignificant, etc. They never wanted me to be happy, to live to my fullest potential, they always wanted to tear me down, and make me small so that I could be easily manipulated. But they can't do that anymore. Their psychopathic issues/problems have been caught and they won't be able to fool me or anyone else. So, sharing my story will definitely help educate people on the serious sides to extreme manipulation, and ''conversion process'' that I was forced under.

The support group will help people to learn about how to deal with the comments and opinions of the outside world. I do not believe that we should expect the world to change for us we have to change ourselves so that we can direct us in any situation/event where some shows an opinion of trying control, manipulate, or have an opinion against what we have decided for ourselves and accepted about us. Acceptance is a point that I want to mention in my structured education for LGBT. Mainly, everything i want to create is about SELF and how to manage what comes up so that we can continue our self-acceptance and not let the world shake it or destroy it. No matter what thee people with psychopathic issues/problems did to me they could never force me with men for intimate partner. No matter how vicious and abusive they got. I call that very a strength and I want to teach other people how to be strong and unshakeable when people come in and try to CONVERT or CONTROL or MANIPULATE you/us. So, I am in the learning stage. In some weeks I am set to get my logo designed and well -- That's where everything starts become a reality. Looking forward to really helping tons of individuals release themselves from the confines of the mind in a way that will be beneficial for them as they have chosen to have the aspect/part of themselves.