DAY 27: Fear Of Making Lots Of Money And Change

DAY 27: Fear Of Making Lots Of Money And Change

My day job is to take care of my father who has a terminal illness. The amount of money I receive as a carer is decent, but it is not the type of money I want to live on for the rest of my life. It does not pay for the luxuries that I want and so I do require to find other ways to make an extra income. I had considered starting up my cleaning business on the side. I could start up my cleaning business again and I'd have a client in a number of days. But as a house cleaner you have to work mornings and mid-day. Those times didn't suit me as my father would go without my care. I had to come up with a job where I could work from home and/or while with my dad. The one interest is very prominent and a core for me is business. I have an obsession with creating businesses. I am not sure if it is good or bad – I just enjoy it. I like branding, marketing, graphic design, working out the tools you'll need to operate it, the structure, the laws, etc. I like everything about business bar the companies that are not aligned to what is best for all. I had already created a business name for what I wanted to create – it was already in there – but I needed to start somewhere and make sure that it was in a niche that would make money.  

I chose to go with a marketing agency for the first start of my company. I was happy with that decision because I find myself buying creating designs then doing social media marketing for fun. I have been doing it not-for-profit for a while now. Somehow I already knew that was a direction to go in first but never really bothered to take seriously. But now that I am really set on actually making the physical movement required to get clients and make money I noticed that I had/have a few fears, beliefs and small little worries. Now, I am not fully ready yet to approach local businesses and charge a fee for my services. I am giving myself about 4 – 5 months to really make use of cheap courses and doing free work for local business in exchange for testimonials. I know what is required for me to do but it needs to be structured and brought forward with the use of short cheap courses. I believe that this is a suitable direction to make money. We all need money to survive even if the world is getting chaotic – we still have a system that is crashing but still functioning right now and so best to do something you at least enjoy.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that business is a man's world and a female has no place in it  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that woman can't succeed in business  

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear working with very wealthy people 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making lots of money  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go in various different direction to distract myself from the main passion that I have that will help me and others make money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that making lots of money is a bad thing.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being successful. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving the old me behind and stepping into a whole new world where I am offering value to other people.  

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to fear the changes that I will have to make to myself when I start making the physical movements to really make the type of money I'd like to make.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have distracted myself from the core by disregarding the current world ssytem and how it functions.  

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should just give up and not care about making money to then stay as I am and where I am as I am living  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that it is beneficial for me (my situation) to do what I enjoy and make money from it.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about wanting to make a lot of money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about wanting more and better for myself.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed because I want more and better for myself in life.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I don't deserve more and better in my life  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy to have a career/job that I like and can make lots of money from.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I've got to give up on having a life that does buy me a farm, or the type of lifestyle I'd like to live and one that will help me prepare for the possible crash of the system.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going up to local businesses  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that with the time I have I can work on practicing everything I'll need to know and do for when I do go out to offer my services in exchange for testimonials.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that in my situation earning more money will be of assistance and support  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I have proven to myself that I can handle any challenges that comes along with creating a business.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself being able to handle challenging times in business.  

When and as I see myself fearing leaving the old me behind  – I stop and I breathe – I realise that it is necessary to step out of our comfort-zones in order to learn more of ourselves and change what does not assist and support us. A change is a very cool thing.  

DAY 26: Fear And Nervousness When Speaking With Police

DAY 26: Fear And Nervousness When Speaking With Police

In my last blog post I wrote about an event that I witnessed where a mother and daughter were assaulted. In the afternoon on that very same day I told them that I would call to make a witness statement. I contacted the police link to make one and I was told that I could do it online. I chose to go with that option, but the options on the website weren't the ones I needed. I gave up half way through.

I was having problem with my phone so I didn't bother ringing back up. I left it alone for a day or so. I received a message from my sister who I talked to about the situation. She showed me a link where they were asking for witnesses to come forward and give a statement. I told the two again that I'd make a statement. This time I rang the station to give them my details.

I received a call this afternoon by police officer. He asked me what it was that I saw. He said it was consistent with all the other statements and that if needed would I testify - I said yes. The whole time talking to the police officer I did feel rather nervous. when talking to him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous when speaking to police officers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being known by police officers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate police

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear police in case one of them is crooked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking with police about an event/situation that I witness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the police fishing around for information about me instead of focusing on the event that did take place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged for the only time I had to go to court when nothing was recorded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear authority that police officer have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear authority figures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear authority figures abusing their roles as police officers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the whole policing system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear crooked police and them getting away with being crooked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what police may think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about exactly what I saw and someone trying to fool me by saying it did not happen.

DAY 25: Drugs & Violence: A Day In My City

DAY 25: Drugs & Violence: A Day In My City

I woke up the usual time of about 6 – 7 am. I moved through the normal routine of the morning. I was set and ready so I walked to work. On the way there on one of the main roads I spotted a woman who was yelling in her car at the driver in a car that was in front of hers. I assumed that there may have been an incident that happened further down the road. Before I could look for damages on the car the woman got out of her car, went to the car in front of her and started yelling at her for putting up the windows. One of the back windows was left down so the woman put her fist in then hit the driver in the back of the head. As soon as that happened the girl in Car A got out to possibly fight or to find out what the hell was going on.  

The woman from Car B in her rage took it that the girl got out to fight her. She started throwing punches. The girl from Car A was trying to defend herself. The man that was with the woman from Car B was about to break it up but in mid-way stopped and then said ''already you wanted to have a crack'' step back to then let them continue fighting. At that point I was quite shaken by the event and was about to cross to the centre of the road to help but I am physically small and I would have probably been knocked over in the heat of things. I made a best for all decision to stay away. I did grab my phone to call triple zero (000 Australian emergency number) but my phone was not working properly. I was in quite a bit of shock that all I could do myself is watch hoping that it stopped.  

The mother in Car A came to defend her daughter from the woman who started it all (Car B). It is a good thing that the man stood back so the two women (mother & daughter) could get the very possessed (with rage) woman away from the teenager. She managed to get that woman off her daughter and then the two in Car B got back in to drive off. The two from Car A got out their phones to get the number plate and photos of the two. I memorized the number in case they didn't get it.  

The two from Car A got back in their car to follow Car B while the daughter was on the phone to the police.  The two from Car B were not remorseful at all by what they did. The woman from Car A was just saying ''It wasn't even a fair fight'' -- ''Should have been one on one''. No awareness of the damages she has caused for a teenager and her mother. Admittedly, through all of this I did, given the physical appearance, and behaviour believe that drugs may have been in the picture.  

The individuals in Car B are people that I've seen around my city before. They have the behavioural patterns of drug users. It would explain how the person in Car A was full-on possessed and with no questions asked or a complete unprovoked situation escalated the way it did.  

For the rest of the morning I was a little shaken up by what I witnessed. I felt very concerned for the mother and her daughter. I am able to assess quickly a situation and put the pieces together. People do not have to tell me the intricate details. It is written in behaviour and memory of what I have observed in my own city. I can tell by direction, appearance, and with that it helps me to piece together the intricate and then I can understand a situations really quickly. Comes from watching movies without sound and well common sense – past experiences too. 

So – there was a point where I did consider going to the police station to give a statement. I didn't go because I needed to be at my Dad's place to care for him. My father is my priority so I preferred to do that before anything else and also pick up food for him. There was a point where I had to shake off the shaken up-ness and reflect a little where I bring it back to myself and see where I am responsibility. I place some self-forgiveness statements there to let go of worries, fears, and the possession of slight petrification -- or fear --. That type that kind of locks you in place when witnessing violence unfold. Then within a matter of moments I was free from it to go about my day.  

It did cross my mind here and there throughout the day. I mentioned it to my father who said that our city is getting worse. He isn't wrong there. As I was walking home today I came across another person in an area that I know to be fairly populated by drug users. A man was yelling at a woman who was yelling at her back. Again assessing by their appearance, people whom I've seen before, and the complete positions – Instantly knew drugs were in the picture. Another man appeared from around the corner to break up the fight – I was walking in their direction as I had to cross the road. When I got to the other side I wanted to see what would happen and was about to stand there. I remember a blog that I read about being interested in drama unfolding – I saw the man causing the trouble die down a little but I decided to not waste my time watching another play out of abuse where drugs are related. As I walked through my normal directions I spotted more drug users.  

The were sitting on the steps where no one can see them at the back of a shopping centre near rail way tracks. These people never bother me but I always make sure that I take the right steps and prepare myself for anything. The whole walk back I was realising the extent to the affects that drugs have on people. It took me back to the memory of today.  

I wondered what has happened to the mother and daughter. I really wanted them to receive justice for what had happened. I was putting myself in their shoes and looking at all the possibilities of what would go down for them in court. As I was nearing my gym, which is close to the police station, I recognise the woman from Car A. I Identified her by the tattoo of a snake on the back of her leg and her daughter was next to her. They had some forms in their hands.  

The were turning a corner so I made the decision to go see if they were ok. It was hours since the incident had happened. They told me that they had spent the whole day in the hospital and that they have never experienced anything like this. I explained to her that I saw everything. She told me that the police know the two that had assaulted her daughter and her but they can't do anything without a statement. I said that I would be happy to give a statement and she thanked me for that. It was best that I didn't ask for their names or get the number.  

There were some resistances with giving a statement. I have been to court once in my life. I DID NOT ENJOY going through the legal systems and/or attending court. Although my offense was not serious – I did struggle with the whole system and the way police were so unhelpful. I told myself 'never again'. -- Of course I was only fined for my offense (not voting – cutting my license off and suspending it) -- But I put myself in this woman's shoes and how serious this event was for her daughter that I would be gladly happen to give a witness statement. The impacts would be greatly. She was even publicly humiliated as her shirt was ripped up exposing her breasts. So, it was fairly traumatic. So moving past resistances of entering the courts again (this time not for something I've done) and assisting/supporting individuals who may want a form of justice for what happened. I mean – What if it happens to someone else? I will be responsible for not having done anything about that. All about putting yourself in someone else's shoes. As for drugs --- more affordable or free rehabilitation could be an option and/or a basic living income guaranteed  or both. My city lacks both. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a court room again dealing with lawyers, judges, and the whole vibe of a court house.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see people physically fighting go into a form of petrification where it locks me into place and cannot really move fast enough as I would if not being held down by any reactions.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and stress about the two individuals who were attacked by possessed by rage.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about going through a court room to deal with judges and lawyers if it got to that point.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving a statement where I have to deal with police again.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid police due to past experiences where they have been completely ignorant and unhelpful. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving a witness statement in case any of the individuals in Car B set their friends onto me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my safety if I give a witness statement.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that if the mother and daughter choose to go through with getting a form of justice by pressing charges then if it help them it is best to give a witness statement so they can find some closure to what happened.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about my city becoming full with drug users 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by the increase of drug users as they raise the cigarette prices up. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated about the world heading down a path that isn't best for all due to people not wanting to change enough so that we can all have a dignified life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about the focus of my city being that of making money from consumerism instead of building youth centres, rehabilitation services, and opening more organisations that offer support 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for the mother and daughter that had to experience this because of a city that does not focus on the human being but on profit and keeping things the same way.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remove responsibility from the individuals that choose to use the drugs and behaviour in ways that affect all around them when it is their choice to use and abuse as even if supports were there it is up to the individual to change and want to stop/give up their addiction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed because I could not record for evidence what those individuals did.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed that the police didn't even do anything despite not having a witness statement.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed and frustrated about dealing with police, judges and lawyers.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have several backchat about the police, judges and lawyers that are of a negative type and/or participate in the positive type as neither needs to be present.  

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to let a love/hate relationship exist with police, judges and lawyers where they do right/wrong depending on where I sit within it all.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to fear police, judges and lawyers. 

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to feel so used to violence happening that I see as a form of entertainment instead of a serious situation that could lead to deadly consequences  

I forgive myself that I Haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that being the solution is better than being the problem even if it is only a band-aid solution due to the current operation of the system.  

When and as I see myself – going into petrification when witnessing something shocking – I stop and I breathe – I realize that in every situation there is a best for all action that can be taken and if energy is not locking one down then those actions can be taken to reduce potential harm being done either to myself or others.