DAY 21: Judgments About What I See In Another

DAY 21: Judgments About What I See In Another

I went away for a few days to help someone through a separation. There were times where I would judge someone's emotional reactions. I could see this person does suffer from social anxiety, and is afraid of stepping out of their comfort zones.  I didn't want to take their independence away from them or them learning how to be more confident to seek help so I let them do everything and I'll be there for support. When I didn't see the confident levels I wanted and expected I was a little judgmental.  

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge Person A's social anxiety and fears of stepping out of their comfort-zones. 

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when I see Person A being afraid to ask for help even when they desperately need it.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge person A on their choice of what to wear  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Person A's emotional reactions  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about Person A's anxiety when driving a car 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated about the abuse that Person A Has been under to have them be the way that Person A is 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that Person A is coming out of a domestic violence situation and will have parts/aspects of herself that are consequences of the abuse that was occurring.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that it will take some time for Person A to overcome her fears and anxieties  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel impatient about person A's healing and change process.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Person A cannot overcome her fears and anxieties.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat about the way that person A is with her fears and anxieties.  

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that victims of domestic violence can suffer from anxiety due to the abuse and therefore need time to heal and patient people around them.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting Person A know what I suggest for her that may help with the current circumstances.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what I was wearing when helping person A access services where people are in professional clothing.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to based who I am based on the clothing I wear.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about Person A not having anything prepared for the conversation with organizations 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress out when I see that Person A is not moving paperwork along due to fear of being an inconvenience to those who will help. 

When and as I see myself judging person a - I stop and I breathe - I realise that person a is just coming out of a domestic violence situation. It will take Person A time to correct parts/aspects that are not beneficial and will need patient people around.  

I commit myself to be patient with Person A.  

DAY 20: Uprooting Stability

DAY 20: Uprooting Stability

Some weeks ago I had the idea to move out of my unit to live in a share house. The motivator for this was to save money. I made the phone calls to share house that seemed suitable, I told my family that I was moving, I started packing and doing a move-out clean of the place. Throughout that time I did experience some doubt about moving along with some other reactions to uprooting my stability.  

It has taken me a long time to gain the type of stability that I wanted. My history since my early twenties has involved instability. I have been unstable mentally due to some extreme abuse done by people, I was classed as homeless for four times, I lived in my car once and because of constant bullying I continued to be unstable. I did in all of those times stand up/never gave up on myself or going after the type of life I'd like to have. I was even picking myself up from the extreme abuse while being bullied. I had all the odds against me, but even at my worse --- I still got up, I still continued to change my relationship to the system, and when I was at my worst --- I never ceased to find solutions for the problems I faced. After living in my car and having to let go of my business – I had to make a new direction and I was able to get my own place because of that choice. I am grateful that I made that choice. So I gained long-term accommodation  and I started to rebuild my life.  

Right now I live a comfortable life while I work on changing points about me. I have all the basics thanks to my current consistent income. I am able to focus on what I want to do in my life, I am able to grow/learn/expand me as a person, I am able to do things I enjoy, and create a routine for how I'd like to live day-by-day. The idea of moving out was not a best for all one.  

When I had the idea I did not look at the pros and cons. The main motivator was the idea of saving up lots of money and putting towards something I really want to create. Thankfully, as time went on, I was forced to look at both the pros and cons. The cons outweighed the pros. The time it would take to move, the stress it would put on me having to deal with new people, a new environment, having to get settled, the money lost in moving, not having the space I have right now --- all to myself --- no one to work around, having this unit as long as I like, having a good landlord, room to make the noise I want, to do things I want, a space and place fully my own, high speed internet, room to grow/expand/learn, the tools at my fingertips, the neighbourhood being safe, the parks nearby, the easy access, and I was going through it all away where I have to rebuild. It is a pattern I've seen way too long come up.  

I would follow thoughts about uprooting my housing situation without looking at the pros and cons. Looking at it now I do not look at pros and cons about any decision/choices I make. I do have the thoughts, I will think on it, and in that quick space and time will believe the thought to be good depending on what I desire/want in my life. I do not go into considering the pros and cons. I do not sit down and write about it.  Big decisions/choices require consideration of the pros and cons before acting out. We could potentially lead ourselves done the wrong path and fuck with our stability.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not sat down to write out all the pros and cons on decisions/choices that could uproot my stability and lead m in the wrong directions.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have enough money left over to save up for things I want/need after I pay my bills.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to waste time uprooting my stability to an unpredictable and possible uncomfortable situation that I would not enjoy all for the sake of money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to uproot my stability by following instant thoughts of a better life by giving up current housing arrangements without considering the pros and cons.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I have everything I need for me to grow/learn/expand right under the one roof.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly want to change my living situation and uproot stability  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that having a stable housing is important for self-growth 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I will make more money remaining in my current housing situation because I have the room, and tools necessary to do what I want and enjoy.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to give up everything I currently have to change my living situation back to where it was  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that my current housing situation allows me to focus on dealing with what I've been through and self-growth.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that weighing up the pros and cons will help me find the best for all direction 

When and as I see myself following a thought of uprooting my housing situation without considering the pros and cons – I stop and I breathe – I realise that any decision/choice that is about my housing situation requires/needs to be put through a consideration process where I weigh up the pros and cons so I can make the best decision/choice possible. 

I commit myself to sit and write out pros and cons on decisions that will impact my life in a big way.  

DAY 19: Postponement: My Moving Out Responsibilities

DAY 19: Postponement: My Moving Out Responsibilities

I am moving out of my unit in a couple of weeks. There is work needed to be done to the place before I move out. I have to pack all my stuff and do a clean up for the next tenants to move in. I've not started on doing the cleaning task yet.

I wanted to start the cleaning process last week. When I would considered doing some cleaning I would be faced with a resistance. All of a sudden I felt tired, heavy, started to complain slightly, made a couple excuses and then came to a decider to postpone it. The cleaning needs to be done so that I can leave the place. If I am to leave it too long I'll be left with a lot of tasks/jobs and little time left to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone cleaning up the place for the next tenants to come in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid getting all the cleaning done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel suddenly tired when I consider cleaning

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel suddenly heavy when I consider cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about having to do a thorough clean up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to complain about cleaning and packing getting in the way of my routine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have lots of time when really I have lots to do in a small amount of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to focus on what I like/enjoy instead of getting the packing and cleaning done so I can move out into my new place and start my routine back up again where I do focus on what I like and enjoy.

When and as I see myself feeling tired, heavy, resistant and want to postpone doing a thorough clean - I stop and I breathe - I realise that it is best to clean the house now with the time I have so I am not left with little time and a lot to do.

I commit myself to use the time I have in the day to clean and pack for the move.

DAY 18: Emotional Reactions to Movies Scenes

DAY 18: Emotional Reactions to Movie Scenes

I wasn't feeling too happy this evening so I decided to watch a movie to calm myself down. The movie that I watched was called Blue Story. It is about the gang violence that goes on in the UK and how bad it is getting. The movie was like the several documentaries I have watched on this topic. Where groups of people in one postcode to the next create gangs, groups, then smaller individual crews and then start beefing with other gangs from different postcodes and this is where the violence begins. Gang members attack gang members and even innocent people. I watched a documentary where a man that was involved in gangs for most of his life said that if someone got off a bus and it was in an area where he does not live in then he could be knifed. The movie was like watching a documentary. It demonstrated all the consequences that being involved in gangs can have one peoples lives. It effects parents, the individuals themselves, their future, their friends lives, and they can end up going to prison.

There was parts where I did have sadness come up that I felt was overwhelming me. It could have been the not so enjoyable afternoon that I had that contributed but mainly reaction to the movie. I do not normally watch movies and rare occasions do I watch them with sound. It was a pure way to clear my mind. Instead it just revealed more of me that I have to change. lol. So onto forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be upset when I see a guy who has been laughed at by his friends for being his honest self with a girl who he really likes and enjoys being around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself get emotional when I see someone who has been humiliated by his friends be happy to still carry on being himself regardless of what they say..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed about the gang violence and knife crime happening in the UK.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless to do anything about gang violence and knife crime in the UK.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel very sorry for the young boys that are brought up in these environments that are full of gangs and having to rep their postcode

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand there are a variety of ways that we can end the violence and abuse that goes on in the UK just like in other countries.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about some scenes revealing and always showcasing woman to be pure sex objects and nothing else in the eyes of boys/males.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed and frustrated with immature that comes from males that do depict what I have seen of males in real life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed by the male ego running a muck in the UK.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about all the consequences that people create to eventually lead to an unhappy life or world not just for themselves but for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed that I cried because of the overwhelming emotions in reaction to scenes in the movie.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have not been breathing in the first place as I watched the movie, to the effectiveness that i could reach that would have prevented the crying of a scene where the emotions would have gone away.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have resembled memories to scenes when I was watching them which overwhelmed me even more.

I commit myself to use the four count breath where I watch movies